Third Party & Independents Archives

Let's Move the Big DC to the Big Easy!

I was deeply saddened last night as I watched George II address the nation from the ghost town that used to be New Orleans. It looks like the American taxpayers are going to have to foot the bill for governmental incompetence yet again.

Oh well.

But wait a minute! When life deals you a lemon, you make lemonade. Since New Orleans is going have to be rebuilt with federal money anyway, why don't we just move the nation's capital down there? Lock, stock and pork barrel. I mean if we've got to pay for it, why don't we at least get the best of both worlds?

Think about it. The two cities are virtually indistinguishable as it is. When you consider American cities known for their high-class hookers, drunken businessmen, profligate spending, horrific slums, incompetent governments, expensive meals, lousy football teams, chronic gambling, promiscuous sex, rampant crime and tacky tourists, which city comes to mind first? New Orleans or Washington? I'd say it's a toss up. Washington is just New Orleans without the music.

So here you have it:

The Top Ten Reason We Should Move the Capital of the United States to New Orleans

10. Ted Kennedy would never have to leave town.

9. Bill O'Reilly would praise Tom DeLay for introducing legislation to ban the muffuletta as a deviant sexual practice.

8. The EEO would force the city to change Fat Tuesday into Weight Challenged Tuesday.

7. George Bush is convinced that putting the State Department in the French Quarter would help him get the support of France for his invasion of Iran.

6. The Vampire Lestat could segue effortlessly into his new career as a corporate lobbyist.

5. Dick Cheney, Bill Frist and Herb Kohl would get a big kick out of the highly ironic new menu item from the Senate cafeteria: The Po' Boy.

4. Storyville is the ideal location for the Bill Clinton Presidential Library and Wet T-Shirt Contest.

3. The Supreme Court building could be renamed "Constitutional Preservation Hall."

2. Drunken congressmen would be embarrassed when they accidentally pass "The Live Sex Act".

1. The new Marti Gras motto: "Show us your tax breaks!"

Posted by Chuck Hanrahan at September 16, 2005 4:26 PM