Third Party & Independents Archives

Hyper-surreal Future Marriages

“Hello everyone and welcome to the marriage planning class. My name is Saul, your government appointed counselor, here to teach you about the process of getting married.”

“I want to get everyone up to speed on the new requirements that you will have meet if you’d like to get married and stay married, it may sound difficult and tedious, but please understand that this is for your own good. After all, I’m from the government, and I can attest to knowing what’s good for you.” [laughter from group]

"Great, we'll start with the prerequisites."

"First and foremost, you must both be human, you can call him or her an animal later, but for now we have to make sure you really aren't one". [looks around room, nervous laughter]

"Excellent. Now, both of you must be of the opposite gender, of the legal age of 18, and should be mentally competent."

"If one or both of you are physically handicapped, you may still be allowed to marry under the condition that the healthy partner is able to satisfy the couple's financial needs or there is a substantial dowry. I'll talk more on financial requirements later."

"Let's move on to the engaging matters shall we?" [light laughing at bad pun]

"First of all, before you are even engaged, you must not have had sex or engaged in other promiscuous activity. This includes vaginal, anal, oral sex or even kissing. We have government screeners who are trained to determine this by polygraphs and physical examination, our success rate is high so if you do not meet this qualification you will be expunged from the process and may be subject to fines or imprisonment for perjury."

"Please keep in mind that you are under oath during all examinations and requests for a marriage license."

"Once you are engaged, you still may not have sexual relations, but you will be allowed to kiss your partner. Engagements should last for no less than six months in order that you fully get to know your partner and future spouse, and to remove the possibility of aborted marriages, or divorces as we used to call them."

"Now that you have been engaged for the cooling off period, you will more than likely want to get married... congratulations, you are halfway there."

"You will need to file for permanent union with the federal government, undergo a blood test, another physical examination, a mental examination, and a background check. You will also have to confirm your religious faith in a higher being and your allegiance. These usually take between a week and three months, depending on the demand in your area."

"Once you have been approved for marriage by the government, you will meet before a state approved religious board consisting of a demographic spectrum of your area, who will accept or reject your request. Since the government does not interfere with the board due to the first amendment separation, there is no arbitrating or appealing their decision."

"Now that you have made it this far, congratulations and wedding planning are in order."

"You may choose to hold your wedding at a government approved facility, or you may hold it at a location of your choice, pending approval by the religious board, and seconded by the government. May I just say that the latter is more time-consuming and is usually not worth the effort as our government facilities are quite suitable to any occasion."

"You may write your own vows, however they are discouraged as they must also go through the approval process and are usually rejected."

"After the wedding, you will be required to conduct your honeymoon in Hawaii, where government staff will train you to have intercourse with your loved one in the correct manner."

"Great job, you've gotten married and consumated your love... now let's move on to the obvious question of children. You may either adopt or have your own child, however you must provide proof of financial obligation in order to do either. A post-wedding counselor will inform you of those requirements."

"Now let's examine some of the what ifs of your marraige. Like 'What if things are difficult?', or 'What if my spouse cheats on me?', or 'What if we want to get a divorce?'. The simple answer is too bad." [laughter] "Just kidding."

"The reality is that this should not be an issue due to the careful screening and the engagement process, but sometimes mistakes do occur. You will need to conduct an interview with your state representative on the matter, and may appeal the decision to the Supreme Court, however this is a long and involved process and most couples decide that staying together is the more pleasing result."

"Well, thanks for attending the government mandated marriage counseling class, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time and I hope you have a wonderful married life. Should you have any questions, you can ask your parents or visit our website at double-yoo double-you double-you dot, marriage, dot gov. I'm now going to turn you back over to Mr. Falwell, your Creationist instructor, who tells me he has a very rigorous lesson planned today."

Posted by SoL at February 25, 2004 8:27 PM