A personal interlude after the elections

Although maybe it applies to electing… no. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I could get a sheep to eat the grass. I would save time and money on gardening. It would be ecologically sound, as the animal consumes no fossil fuels and fertilizes its own pastures. Beyond that, sheep are picturesque. I thought it would be a biological version of one of those robotic vacuum cleaners that drives around on the floor, turning round when it bumps into something, but generally working automatically. The trouble is that I didn’t know much about sheep.

I thought they were like big dogs that ate grass, i.e. I thought they would be like a pet and behave like a dog. They don't. Dogs do dumb things, but compared to sheep they are Einsteins. Sheep, I learned to my sorrow, really are just as incredibly stupid as you have heard. The only thing my sheep did, besides eat and shit (see below) was look in the window and baa. They are a lot louder than you suppose. My sheep generally slept when it got dark, but it did not sleep the whole night, occasionally waking up to remind everyone that it was still out there. It kind of warms up, sometime with a low ummm, which sometimes crescendos to a very loud ummmBAA-AAA. I am not sure why it did that. I think it may have seen its own reflection and thought was another sheep.

But that was not the big problem. I could get used to that; maybe even appreciate the bucolic beauty of it all. On the plus side, it did eat grass, and seemed to like the taller grass better, so it was trimming exactly as I had hoped it would. The other end of the process was not so agreeable.

I was prepared for the fertilizer aspect of the sheep. In fact, I considered that a net benefit, as it would make my plants grow better. I have no problem with manure and happily use biosolids on the tree farms. But I assumed that the fertilizer would be mostly deposited on the grass, where it would do some good. No. My sheep evidently walks around on and eats the grass, but holds most of the shit for when it is standing around on the veranda under the roof. Worse, it seems to want to shit as close as possible to the house and most prefers to go right near the doors or windows. And it shits a lot. I soon found my pre-work period would be devoted to shoveling and washing down the patio; I got a similar task when I got back from work. Despite my shoveling and hosing, it was really starting to stink.

I was going to give the sheep a little more time, but the odor was starting to get pretty strong. I planned to be away for a week and a half. The guy who sold me the sheep told me that it would be okay. Independence was a big advantage of sheep. I travel a lot. If the sheep has shelter from the rain, it can be left along. It just stays out and eats grass. I had to make sure it had water, but probably not even that, since the rainy season grass was very wet. The guy told me that it would get enough water from the moist grass it ate. So, I COULD have left it alone, but I figured that if I left it for a week and half, the shit would be knee high when I got back and the smell would knock the proverbial buzzard off the proverbial shit wagon. My plane was leaving that night. I depend on sweet serendipity and a solution presented itself.

The cleaning woman comes by every two weeks and Wednesday was her day. When she showed up around 7:15, she was surprised to see a sheep in the front yard, but not much bothered. Her rural childhood included lots of sheep & goats. She knew what I was just discovering and seemed to find my dilemma very amusing. Courtesy and the fact that I pay her kept her from laughing out loud, but I am sure my story will engender mirth back in the village. It will also provide a sheep. I asked her if she wanted the sheep; she had some relatives with a pickup truck & when I got home after work, my problem was gone, almost. I am not sure where it went, but I don't really care. I like to think that my erstwhile lawn mowing manure machine is off romping with others of its kind, stinking up somebody else's yard for an indefinite period, maybe gracing somebody's table for shorter time. No matter. It seemed lonely by itself. After all, sheep are very gregarious. The essence of the animal will persist for a while around my house. But I cleaned off the patio and I expect that the strong rains we get around here will do the rest.

My advice, which I allow applies to few people but that I will give nevertheless, is to avoid buying sheep unless you have a way to keep them far from the house. They stink on ice even just standing around and they seem to enjoy crapping where they sleep, not like a dog. If you must get sheep, you probably want a border collie to "herd" them. Just get the collie. Border collies are the smartest of the dogs, they may at least seem to be happy to see you when you come home and don't crap all over the place.

Posted by Christine & John at November 8, 2012 1:37 PM
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good to know. I actually read that whole post. Probably because I enjoy reading about things I can understand. Like Sheep poop.

Posted by: Schwamp at November 8, 2012 2:38 PM
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LOL - HERD animal they don’t like being along is why she/he was baa-ing so much. If you want to grow something like grapes - best manure you can use is from the sheepies but lime it. They do need water during the day to keep those multiple stomach working properly. A couple of half barrels set under the eaves once filled would have provided plenty for a single sheep and caught the rainwater. Good luck next time…. maybe bunnies? They are quite tasty.

Posted by: Kathryn at November 8, 2012 2:39 PM
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2 Sheep = half the noise and twice the crap. Your call!

Why didn’t you go for a goat? They are a lot easier to deal with and easier still to pawn off on the “immigrants” down the street! And of course I can supply you with the most expensive lawn mower of all- a nice horse. Their vet bills alone can send you to the poor house.

Posted by: George in SC at November 8, 2012 3:21 PM
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I always assumed every read every word I wrote.


Indeed, it did not seem very content. My experiment did not last long.

Posted by: C&J at November 8, 2012 3:29 PM
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They told me that the goat would eat leaves and branches, which I don’t need done, while the sheep eats grass and forbs. It was doing a good job with the grass.

Posted by: C&J at November 8, 2012 3:32 PM
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I believe C&J’s post was actually a political message aimed at the sheeple who vote for socialism. Eat! Shit! Stink! Best if eaten while young!

Posted by: Royal Flush at November 8, 2012 3:46 PM
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It really is just a report of my recent brief unhappy sheep experiment.

I would say one lesson is actual experience is often different than planning. I can imagine people like Stephen or Adrienne explaining to me why my experience doesn’t make any difference because in theory the sheep will successfully keep the grass short. Perhaps I should have employed the homeless to clean the patio, if I could find one that really wanted to work.

Posted by: C&J at November 8, 2012 4:02 PM
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Whether intentional or not C&J, your sheep story is a great metaphor for the liberalism we are experiencing today in the US.

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“…your sheep story is a great metaphor for the liberalism we are experiencing today in the US.”

But, of course, conservatives would never blindly follow someone who is full of sheep.


Posted by: Rocky Marks at November 8, 2012 4:36 PM
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By the way C&J, we have two Roomba’s and my wife and I just love the little critters.

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C&J Loved the story but some of the posts where so much BS.

Posted by: Jeff at November 8, 2012 8:46 PM
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Thank you for the humorous anecdote, it brightened an otherwise unpleasant day in my life.

Posted by: Warped Reality at November 9, 2012 12:58 PM
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Hope it was nothing serious.

Posted by: C&J at November 9, 2012 6:58 PM
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It was just one of those unpleasant days that everyone must experience while “growing up”. Adulthood isn’t the fantasy that I’d imagined when I was younger.

Posted by: Warped Reality at November 10, 2012 10:21 PM
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Good to know you are okay.

As an old guy, I can tell you that things generally get better. I am much more content than I was when I was your age. I suppose some of that just comes from lowering my expectations to come in line with my realities, but it works.

Look forward to the future. Someday you too may own a sheep, maybe even a goat.

Posted by: C&J at November 10, 2012 11:19 PM
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Thank you for your support. I have the fortune to have read your story, so I do not think I will ever buy a sheep or goat. I guess that is the trade-off between youth and old age. As a young adult, I am saddled with high expectations, but I also benefit from the wisdom of my elders. If only I actually followed their advice more often…

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