Born Blond

political satire

I would like to take a moment to talk about racism in this country and the trauma it causes the victim. I am a Blonde-American. For the purpose of this article I will draw a difference between ‘blonde’ with a small ‘b’ and Blonde with a capital ‘B’. Blonde, with a small ‘b’ (unless, as in this case, it’s at the beginning of a sentence) is to refer to the color. Blonde with a capital ‘B’ (also in this case at the beginning of a sentence) will refer to the culture of natural blondes or Blondes as the case may present itself.

Half of the world’s population is Asian. An eighth of the world population is white. Only a very small fraction of them are blonde after infancy. Isn’t it obvious, you might think, that we are a minority? The answer is a resounding yes. However we have no minority rights, nor holiday, not even a meager parade once in a while.

Furthermore Blondes have been subjected to the worst stereotyping. This coupled with the lack of any positive Blonde role models has made the plight of Blondes cluttered with obstacles.

Firstly let us examine the way that Blondes are depicted in our culture. Barbie and Ken, for example, are portrayed as plastic vacuous individuals lacking any real kind of human 'capabilities'. Kelly Bundy is a faux blonde and a perpe-trator of the mindless bimbo image that has been the object of locker room humor for decades. Then there is Miss Piggy, who despite her popularity, is nothing more than a puppet for the oppression of her kind!

The characterizations that have plagued Blondes can be hurtful. Take the myth that we have more fun. There is no scientific basis for such a claim. Blondes don't have any more fun that the rest of the hair colors. This fabrication is just propagated to keep us giggling and therefore not rising up against the establishment.

We have no equality in the work place. Statistics from the nationally prominent organization, Blondes Overtly Offended by Stereotyping (B.O.O.B.S.), reports that a brunette is 6 times more likely to be hired than his/her Blonde counterpart. Yet despite these outrageous figures there has been little or no legislation to eradicate the problem. Affirmative Action has just overlooked this prejudice. We must act now so future generations of Blondes will not have to suffer the same stinging trauma.

My personal story is quite typical and yet still sad. Against all the professional advice of the time I was adopted into a brunette household. I always felt like the blonde sheep of my family. I have come to terms that my parents did the best they could with what they had, but that doesnít help the mental anguish I endured. I was acutely aware that I was different. My parents encouraged me in fields they thought I would be able to fit into (i.e. flight attendant, gossip program host or the woman-that-stands-next-to-the-show-cars-at-convention-centers). I relay this story only to explain that I was limited at birth. Who knows what I could have done with my life had I been encouraged as brunettes are.

These points and many others are the reason I have chosen to write my second book. It's a scathing satire of the all brunette novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Oppressed and Insulted. He apparently didn't consider Blondes to be either! My motives are simple: I want to let everyone know that we as a people have feelings too and we donít appreciate being left out.

My first book, as you know, is an account of Blondes in American history and their stories prior the advent of hair bleach. It can be specially ordered by contacting my all Blonde publisher at their website at

Brunettes as a ruling majority can often be cruel and ignorant when conversing with Blondes. "Some of my best friends are Blondes," they will boast. As if my anger should be pacified by their self-proclaimed open-mindedness. Well, it's not! I'm offended by non-Blondes using the b-word. I intend by my grass roots efforts to take the pejorative connotation out of the term 'Blonde' simply by not letting anyone who isn't Blonde use it without my leering at them. I implore all other Blondes to do the same and then the tide shall turn.

"We are all human beings." That is how a homeless gentleman put it to me this morning while I was walking my blonde and Blonde dog.
"Sir," I inquired,"Are you now, or have you ever been a Blonde?"
"No" he muttered.
"Then what would you know about pain and suffering, Sir? True, I am a human being BUT I have the burden of being a Blonde-American and thatís not even comparable! Educate yourself before you say something so unthinkingly callous!"

If you as a reader would like to enlighten yourself about the Blonde minority and their personal, often-tragic stories please visit my website at

Posted by at December 10, 2003 7:33 PM