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The Inimitable Art of Political Fundraising

In our system of politics, a candidate must first run fundraisers to collect money with which to run his or her campaign. By “fundraiser” I mean an event that attracts thousands of dollars from the wealthy, not collecting $25 or $50 from ordinary Americans. Not everybody can be a great fundraiser, which is why some wonderful candidates do not get elected. I think I have a gimmick with which to make any fundraiser event a success.

After people arrive at a fundraiser, have eaten their chicken and have met and exchanged pleasantries with the candidate, all a candidate need do is get up and say something like this:

Welcome to my fundraiser. I call it a fundraiser because it is a means for raising funds, otherwise known as money. A fundraiser is what it is from my point of view. From your point of view it is something different. Let's focus on what it means to you.

Offering funds to this campaign does not mean you are a member of my party [Democratic, Republican, Green]. I'll take your money regardless of what party you belong to. Neither does it matter whether you are a liberal, a conservative, a libertarian, an independent or anything else. Party and philosophy play no part in this transaction. You are not being asked for a donation, a contribution, a gift. No. You are asked to make an investment, an investment that will bring you high political value to benefit your career or your company.

Yes, all candidates do this. However, unlike my opponents, I offer this ironclad guarantee:

If, after I am elected, you do not receive political value that is at least 10 times greater than the amount of your investment, I will return every penny you invested.

In many cases your gained political value may be as much as 100 times the value of your investment.
This may be the best investment you have ever made. How can you go wrong?

I presented this idea to my wife, and she said

Don't you know this is illegal? This is buying votes. This is bribery. You can go to jail for doing this. Besides, there is no need to make the deal explicit. Everybody knows the political value of investing in a fundraiser.

And also, if you don't make the deal explicit, nobody goes to jail. And the money return guarantee is not really necessary: If an investor does not receive appropriate political value he can use his money to assure that you will not be a candidate again.

I guess my idea is not so good, after all. It appears I am not that familiar with intricacies of the inimitable art of political fundraising.