Democrats & Liberals Archives

Nobody Can Win

In January 2009, we are going to face a constitutional crisis. Nobody is going to be elected President. You may think that our forefathers designed a mechanism which will always choose a President. They didn’t plan for these clowns.

Take Barack Obama. The dude’s middle name is Hussein. See any problem there? Plus, he is clean and articulate. Does America really want a President who is articulate? We elected (well, “elected”) George Bush twice. ‘Nuff said.

Is there enough room here to cover Hillary Clinton? People call her “Hitlary”, which can only mean that she is an evil person. (Yup, I took Logic in college!) And when she was First Lady she used to wear those headbands girls wore in those days to keep their hair back. You know how many of those headband-wearers had sex with me? Zero. And I asked nicely. Madame Clinton is obviously the kind of person who doesn’t give people what they want when they ask nicely. America is going to be all “We need a tax break to develop alternative energy” and she is going to be all “I am going shopping with Segolene Royal on Saturday and then I’ll have to study but you are a really sweet person America and I’m sure there is a nice girl out there for you.” America had enough of that in the 90’s. It’s time for a change.

John Edwards, trial lawyer. Good-looking guy, rich, smooth talker. I hate guys like that. He probably spent the 90’s politely turning down women who wanted to have his baby. Is that good training for being President? Segolene Royal is going to be all “We need to reach an agreement on global population control” and he will be all “My semen is the exclusive property of Mrs. Edwards.” It could get awkward.

Bill Richardson likes to touch, tickle and pinch people*. You were probably warned about people like him in school. Yell and tell, America, yell and tell! And he’s got jowls. America does not want to be tickled and pinched by a big jowly guy, even if he has an impressive resume. It brings back too many painful memories.

Dennis Kucinich is just too easy. He is the airline food of Presidential candidates.

Republicans are probably feeling pretty happy at this point, but your guys are even worse.

Take John McCain. Admirers like to compare him to Teddy Roosevelt, which is appropriate because he knew TR**. When the Rough Riders got captured and tortured, John “Ironsides” McCain didn’t crack. You go, Grandpa! You can park your horseless carriage in the back.

Rudy Giuliani put on a dress and got nuzzled and groped by Donald Trump. What is it about these guys, that I have to feel dirty talking about them?*** On the plus side, New York was the site of a massive terrorist attack when he was mayor. Yes, that’s a plus.

Mitt Romney: lifelong hunter, conservative, and pro-lifer. Since 2004. Did you know his real name is Willard? Guys named Willard aren’t supposed to be President. They’re supposed to announce that Fanny in Des Moines just turned 100 and she sent these wonderful homemade brownies. What, America didn’t like the brownies?! What Willard meant to say is that they suck. They’re revolting. Willard wouldn’t eat Fanny’s disgusting brownies if you paid him. Bitch.


Mike Huckabee
lost a hundred pounds when he found out he had diabetes. Honestly, does America really want a President who lost a hundred pounds? Doesn’t he know this is a nation of lardasses? Aren’t we special, reducing our calorie intake and embracing an active lifestyle! Even worse, he is a trained Southern Baptist preacher. Not only do we have to feel bad about eating, but also drinking and screwing and all of the other things that make America great. America ain’t changing its ways for no preacher!

So there we are, a bunch of guys (and a gal) who think they are better than everyone else. Even worse, some of them actually are better than everyone else. Smarter, better-looking, better-groomed. It’s disgusting.



*All kidding aside, I wouldn’t write something like this if it weren’t well documented.

**Ok, since I didn’t label this “satire”, someone is going to bitch. Alright, TR died in 1919 and McCain was born in 1936. Ergo, they did not know each other. Ya happy?

***If you are really a glutton for punishment read this piece from the National Review which talks about the effects of treatment for prostate cancer. But finish your breakfast first.

Posted by Woody Mena at May 3, 2007 9:46 AM
Comments
Comment #219208

Woody,

As I sat here reading your post, I laughed out loud.

Then after considering the seriousness of it, I had to cry.(yes, office mate now thinks I’m a freak)

SIGH…off to read about prostate cancer.

Sassyliberal

Posted by: sasyliberal at May 3, 2007 11:32 AM
Comment #219209

You laughed, then you cried. I tend to have that effect on people.

Posted by: Woody Mena at May 3, 2007 11:41 AM
Comment #219212

Sadly, Woody, you’re right.

Those in the presidential field who aren’t plastic spin doctors are liars, cheats, theives and incompetants.

Sux to be us.

Posted by: Jim T at May 3, 2007 11:58 AM
Comment #219216

My mind is made up: I’m voting Kucinich.

This one is at least under our control. I have had some decent airline food over the years. You just have to know how to travel.

Posted by: bobo at May 3, 2007 12:27 PM
Comment #219217

bobo,

From my experience, bad airline food is becoming a thing of the past, because they don’t even feed you anymore.

Maybe my analogy to airline food is more apt than I intended. Kucinich wants to give you things like “free” college tuition and then send you the bill on tax day. We don’t live in that world any more. We want a cheap government “ticket” even if it doesn’t come with an in-flight meal, so to speak. (I do support universal healthcare, though. It’s more efficient.)

Posted by: Woody Mena at May 3, 2007 12:35 PM
Comment #219218

I wouldn’t vote for the whole heap of them if they paid me. And they just might have to pay folks to vote for them.
The whole damn bunch of them are enough to make a body stop voting.
There used to be a slogan during Vietnam that said. “What if they had a war and nobody came?” Well, what if they had an election and nobody voted?

Posted by: Ron Brown at May 3, 2007 12:36 PM
Comment #219221

“What if they had an election and nobody voted?”

If everyone agreed not to vote, the election would be won by the liar that went out and voted anyway. Wait, that’s nothing new, liars winning.

Posted by: Bandman at May 3, 2007 1:22 PM
Comment #219224

“And they just might have to pay folks to vote for them”

Been doing that for many years Ron.
Welfare, affirmitive action and social security.
And they are going to keep doing it with things like promising “free” college and “free” healthcare.

At least we know how the election results will be taken by the people: If the right wins, the left will keep complaining and if the left wins, the right will start screaming socialism again.

Vote for whomever you want. Ain’t a damn one of them going to do anything different than whats being done now.

Posted by: kctim at May 3, 2007 1:34 PM
Comment #219227

Vote for whomever you want. Ain’t a damn one of them going to do anything different than whats being done now.

Posted by: kctim at May 3, 2007 01:34 PM

Too true! It’ll just be business as usual regardless of who wins.

Posted by: Ron Brown at May 3, 2007 1:52 PM
Comment #219228

Woody,

My man! Good stuff! It’s either laugh at our state of politics or else do something likely to be even more depressing (or dangerous).

Posted by: Kim-Sue at May 3, 2007 1:59 PM
Comment #219229

Woody

I think it is great when one can find a bit of levity in a sad situation. Thanks for the laugh. At this point my money is riding on Obama. I have seen him speak in person and I like his style. He is an obviously intelligent person who seems to genuinly care about the problems facing us. He has not been around long enough to be fully tainted by the corruption bug yet. I think that unless we can remove the corruption we will never have a fully functional government for the people.

I often thought I might vote for Hillary if given the chance. But she seems a bit too bossy to me. I don’t tolerate bossy women or men for that matter well.

From what I have read to date Giuliani is a bit over the top for my tastes. I can see him being easily indebted to special interests of all kinds. Not a lot different from what we have now. Other than he probably has a bit more brainpower and management ability than the bobblehead president in charge right now.

I do not care for McCains views on Iraq. Something is wrong there. I can not quite put my finger on it. But anyone seriously interested in the presidencey has to be able to see that supporting a lost cause against the will of the people is election suicide. The fact that he does not seem to recognize such indicates flaws in judgement. I think we have all had enough judgement flaws over the last six years to last us a lifetime.

Just a few of my personal views here. Thanks again it was a pleasure to read a thread with a bit of wit and a little humor, but still hits home, for a change. Good stuff!

Posted by: ILdem at May 3, 2007 2:01 PM
Comment #219232

Woody,

Good point about Kucinich. But the facts to me show that he is the only candidate who is actually saying the things — loudly and clearly — that I want to hear. With Kucinich I know what I will get. Not so the others.

Boy, your comment about Hillary sure brought back memories. I guess we all have been there (well, not quite “there”). But more importantly, you certainly figured out the historical basis for the whole Clinton-Lewinisky-Jones-(I’ve already forgotten a few) nonsense we went through.

I’m still supporting Dennis. But I’m gonna take another look at that hot British wife of his and make sure she’s not wearing a hairband.

Posted by: bobo at May 3, 2007 2:18 PM
Comment #219234

Woody and responders…..great post with some very much-needed comic relief ! You’re so right about the alternatives to laughing not being anything to consider.
I’ve been around for a while and this is the first time I have felt such a sinking feeling…..and there is no “white hat” riding to our rescue. How pathetic that we have to elect our leader by the “eenie-meenie-miney-moe” method.
One consolation, though….the other side of the aisle doesn’t have anything going for them, either, so it will boil down to the smallest loser and not the biggest winner.

Posted by: Sandra Davidson at May 3, 2007 3:11 PM
Comment #219236

“(I’ve already forgotten a few) nonsense we went through”

Bosnia, McDougal, monks, Waco, Jorge Cabrera, Charlie Trie, Roger Tamraz, Vernon Jordan, Somalia, Cisneros, Espy, Nussbaum, Roger Altman, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Juanita Broaddrick, Islamic African Relief Agency (IARA), the KLA, Reno.
Just a few right off the top of my head.

War against a country that was not a threat to the US, lies, corruption, campaign finance fraud, coverups, torture and murder of US citizens, money to known terrorist organizations.

Yep, what a bunch of nonsense.
How convienent for you to forget all that bobo.
Sadly, those on the right will forget about Bushs’ “nonsense” and we will eventually cycle back to another Bush. The same way we are getting ready to cycle back to another clinton.

Quit accepting the paradigm, vote for a change.

Posted by: kctim at May 3, 2007 3:21 PM
Comment #219240

kctim,

Sheeesh!!! I have to spell it out for you??? Bill was “involved” with other women because he’s married to a “hairband” girl!

Perhaps you wear one too??

Posted by: bobo at May 3, 2007 3:34 PM
Comment #219244

You fail to mention Mike Gravel from Alaska (D), has no chance but is running.

If only Feingold would have ran.

Posted by: Richard Rhodes at May 3, 2007 4:04 PM
Comment #219248

Oh, I had an idea of where you were going bobo, its just fun to remind you guys who “forget,” about how your side is really no different than the side you complain about all the time.

And, btw, I no longer have enough hair to justify wearing a hairband anymore. Shame too, I really felt pretty with it on.

Posted by: kctim at May 3, 2007 4:46 PM
Comment #219262

woody

funny piece. got to say i’m not inspired by any of them. at this point adding the ballot selection of, NONE OF THE ABOVE, would be appropriate. where’s ALFRED E NEWMAN when you need him?

Posted by: dbs at May 3, 2007 6:41 PM
Comment #219284

Hi folks,

Thanks for all of the comments.

Just want to clarify a couple of points. First of all, this wasn’t a personal memoir. I wasn’t actually traumatized by headband-wearing wenches or jowly ticklers. Sure I was turned down a lot, but mostly by women who aren’t hot as my wife!

And, also, all kidding aside, I don’t think these people are that bad. All of the remotely-electable Democrats look fine to me. Richardson’s grabbiness is alarming only because it could keep him from winning.

On the Republican side, Romney doesn’t seem to have a soul and Giuliani is downright scary. McCain is a decent guy but his neurons are getting too old. Huckabee is actually an OK guy. I liked him alright when he was the governor of Arkansas.

I didn’t pick on Mike Gravel because I don’t know anything about him. He has a great, manly name though. John Edwards should change his name to John Gravel. Would President Gravel invite OBL over for tea? I think not.

Posted by: Woody Mena at May 3, 2007 10:58 PM
Comment #219291

R.Brown,kctm
Aint going to do anything different. Wrong. They do make a difference. If Gore had gained the presidency we would not be in Iraq. Because he had a habit of actually reading reports we might have not suffered 9/11.Stop kidding yourselves. It matters.

I liked Edwards. His healthcare plan is the best I’ve heard so far. He is right about “two Americas”. But it is going to take me awhile to get over his 400$ haircut. Nevermind that it was paid for by mistake with campaign money. Just the fact he would ever pay 400$ for a haircut makes him one piss poor populist. I am not looking for Ghandi here but geeeeze.

Posted by: BillS at May 3, 2007 11:59 PM
Comment #219293

Damn you, Woody! Diet Coke came out my nose.

Posted by: American Pundit at May 4, 2007 12:32 AM
Comment #219309
But it is going to take me awhile to get over his 400$ haircut. Nevermind that it was paid for by mistake with campaign money. Just the fact he would ever pay 400$ for a haircut makes him one piss poor populist. I am not looking for Ghandi here but geeeeze.

I have to agree with you here. People obvious realize that he is wealthy, but I think the litmus test is asking an average person, “If you had enough money, would you pay X for a Y?”

It is hard for most of to even imagine paying $400 for a haircut. I might pay $400 for dinner, if I had the dough and thought it would be some kind of a transcendent gastronomic experience. But a haircut?!

Posted by: Woody Mena at May 4, 2007 9:31 AM
Comment #219315

Come on BillS.
“If Gore had gained the presidency we would not be in Iraq”

You don’t know this. There is no telling how gore would have handled the situation at that time and saying he would have done different is nothing more than a partisan opinion.

There would be one difference though.
You guys would be supporting an Iraq war if it had been the decision of a President gore.

Posted by: kctim at May 4, 2007 9:52 AM
Comment #219363

>>You don’t know this. There is no telling how gore would have handled the situation at that time and saying he would have done different is nothing more than a partisan opinion.

Posted by: kctim at May 4, 2007 09:52 AM

kctim,

I’m sure Gore would have taken us into Afghanistan, and finished the chase of benLadin, but Iraq??? Why would he have done that…he’s not an oil-man…?!?

Posted by: Marysdude at May 4, 2007 2:41 PM
Comment #219388

Marysdude

there are many who believe binladen is dead, myself includede. i can’t prove it, but it seems odd that a man so hell bent on taunting the US every chance he got, would drop off the face of the earth. the last verified siting was before we bombed tora bora, after that nothing of substance. if he is dead those of his associates that know for sure, will probably never tell us, as it would be a major symbolic defeat for them. as for myself this why i believe he will never be caught.

Posted by: dbs at May 4, 2007 4:49 PM
Comment #219392

“I’m sure Gore would have taken us into Afghanistan, and finished the chase of benLadin, but Iraq???”

Why are you so sure of that Marysdude? Himself and clinton did nothing about bin laden the first 6 times he killed Americans.
In fact, they “promised to get those responsible” didn’t they?

There is no telling what course of action gore would have taken with the same intel in 03. Now, if you are saying he wouldn’t have went into Iraq in 03 based on magic intel from 05 or something, I agree.

Posted by: kctim at May 4, 2007 5:17 PM
Comment #219440

>>There is no telling what course of action gore would have taken with the same intel in 03. Now, if you are saying he wouldn’t have went into Iraq in 03 based on magic intel from 05 or something, I agree.

Posted by: kctim at May 4, 2007 05:17 PM

kctim,

No one without a prior agenda would have used the evidence available in ‘03 to invade Iraq. I’m not using 20/20 hindsight…I was saying the same thing in ‘03. Afghan = Good invasion. Iraq = Bad invasion. Even YOU have to agree with that…you’re just four years late.

Posted by: Marysdude at May 4, 2007 10:23 PM
Comment #219482

kctim and marysdude,

We don’t need a crystal ball to guess how Gore would have handled Iraq. We can look at what he was saying in September 2002 when Bush was rushing is to war. Here is a speech he gave:

http://www.commonwealthclub.org/archive/02/02-09gore-speech.html


Some excerpts

To begin with - to put first things first - I believe we should focus our efforts first and foremost against those who attacked us on September 11th and who have thus far gotten away with it.
I believe that we are perfectly capable of staying the course in our war against Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist network, while simultaneously taking those steps necessary to build an international coalition to join us in taking on Saddam Hussein in a timely fashion. If you’re going after Jesse James, you ought to organize the posse first.
Now, let’s be clear, there’s no international law that can prevent the United States from taking action to protect our vital interests when it is manifestly clear that there is a choice to be made between law and our survival… I believe, however, that such a choice is not presented in the case of Iraq.

Perhaps the most perceptive comment of all

I believe this proposed foreshortening of deliberation in the Congress robs the country of the time it needs for careful analysis of exactly what may lie before us. Such consideration is all the more important because the administration has failed thus far to lay out an assessment of how it thinks the course of a war will run - even while it has given free run to persons both within and close to the administration to suggest at every opportunity that this will be a pretty easy matter.
Posted by: Woody Mena at May 5, 2007 9:22 AM
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