Democrats & Liberals Archives

Vote for Woody in ‘08

Nine people have already declared that they are running for President in 2008, and approximately 957 are looking into it. I better declare now before I get trampled.

The first thing you need to know is that this campaign isn’t just about me becoming President. It’s about Americans coming together. We need someone with the vision to look beyond Democrat and Republican, Red and Blue, NPR and Redneck Comedy Hour. Who amongst us doesn’t like Redneck Comedy Hour? Get her done! Get her to a nunnery! See, I can play both sides.

But let’s talk about the issues. Take abortion. Are you pro-life? I’m with you, because I think life is precious. Are you pro-choice? I’m with you, too, because I respect a women’s right to choose. These moral quandaries can be so simple when you look at them right.

Or take taxes. Those guys in Washington would have you choose between tax cuts for the rich and tax-and-spend liberalism. We need a third way. My plan is to cut taxes, cut the deficit, and cut the size of government. I firmly believe that the government should only perform essential functions, like provide for the common defense, regulate commerce, protect the environment, insure a quality education and medical care, build highways, take care of veterans, pay farmers not to grow stuff, shower money on old geezers, build monuments for Confederate generals, subsidize dirty pictures, and torture people. In other words, the basics.

How about the awful mess in Iraq? My vision for Iraq is based on two simple principles. First of all, we must win at any cost. Secondly, our men and women in uniform have been in that desert for far too long. They deserve to be home by Christmas. We can work out the details later.

Iran is a no-brainer, too. All we have to do is get rid of that kook they have for a leader and help them elect a new one. It’ll take three or four months, tops. And the Arab-Israeli conflict? They just need to do what I do in times of trouble – turn to the Bible. And the Koran, too, because we need to be inclusive. With enough study and prayer, they’ve got to find a solution.

In this past election, you all sent Washington a message that they need to clean up their act. That’s why I solemnly promise not to run any of those annoying negative ads, or those even more annoying positive ads. I believe in free media, and to be honest I don’t have any inspiring stories of hardship or strong moral qualities. As you can probably guess I won’t take any many from PACs, or from anyone else. If you want influence in my administration, it’s strictly hookers and drugs.

Speaking of the fairer sex, you can rest assured there will be no Monica Lewinskys in my life. If you hear any stories about a woman showing me her thong, you can bet there was either money involved or a lot of begging.

What about my qualifications, you ask? For one thing, I’m a white male. The other 43 presidents were all white dudes, so this is apparently an important qualification. Sorry, Hillary and Barack, history has spoken! Don’t worry about my government lacking diversity though. I will be the first President to appoint a ninja to the Cabinet. If Kim Jong Il tries any more nuclear tests, he better watch his back.

Actually, I did a little research, and I’m not old enough to be President. I think that’s actually a plus, though, because I’m easy to fire. It’s like hiring an illegal alien. One slip and and I’m outta there! You don’t even have to pay me a pension, because I’ll always be a celebrity. I’ll be like Richard Hatch or that skanky blonde who doesn’t wear panties. What’s her name, Tiffany? Amber? I’m bad with names.

Speaking of which, you may be wondering whether I’m a good public speaker. The truth is, I hate it. That’s why I solemnly promise not to give any speeches, addresses, or fireside chats. You won’t see me in any of those town hall meetings where politicians tell mentally-challenged college students the color of their undies. If that doesn’t make you want to vote for me, I don’t know what will.


Posted by Woody Mena at January 23, 2007 7:28 AM
Comments
Comment #204588

Woody,

You have my vote. Can I be embassador to Greece or Amsterdam?

Posted by: Andre M. Hernandez at January 23, 2007 10:39 AM
Comment #204589

Woody,
me too me too. Im running on the neo neo ticket. So when I say ” I want smaller government” I mean I will bloat the government to new levels.
When I say “I want to fix an entitlement program” I mean I want to destroy it by privatization.
When I say ” I want to build a democracy in a foreign country” It means I want to set up a neo neo heaven for my base and steal the countries resources.
When I say ” I want to lower taxes cause afterall its your money” I mean that for my base only not the rest of you guys.
This is a time tested and proven method of electioneering and I think my chances are good.

Posted by: j2t2 at January 23, 2007 10:41 AM
Comment #204590

Anyone got the address for editing handy?

Posted by: Woody Mena at January 23, 2007 10:56 AM
Comment #204599

Andre,

Hey, you think I’ll just hand out ambassadorships?

But seeing as how Amsterdam isn’t even a country, sure why not. It’s a non-salaried position though.

gw,

Pay attention, man. I’m not a Democrat.

I’m a statist-libertarian. Everything is legal, and the government pays for it.

Posted by: Woody Mena at January 23, 2007 12:46 PM
Comment #204601

Woody

Better you than some others.

Posted by: Jack at January 23, 2007 12:53 PM
Comment #204617

I firmly believe that the government should only perform essential functions, like provide for the common defense, regulate commerce, protect the environment, insure a quality education and medical care, build highways, take care of veterans, pay farmers not to grow stuff, shower money on old geezers, build monuments for Confederate generals, subsidize dirty pictures, and torture people. In other words, the basics.

Sounds good to me. However if we look at your voting-I mean blogging record, you are trying to paint yourself as more moderate than you really are. Are the American people going to buy it?

I won’t take any many from PACs, or from anyone else. If you want influence in my administration, it’s strictly hookers and drugs.

Oh… I have to be part of this! If you need a running mate with a differing point of view to moderate the ticket, I’m your man. Like you, I’m an independent who’s too young for the job and, most importantly, I’m white. Also, I can fulfill the VP’s only constitutional duty: shooting people in the face.

Posted by: TheTraveler at January 23, 2007 2:50 PM
Comment #204692

As an “old Geezer” I heard about about a plan for us. It is called “youthinasia”.I am not sure what it means but if I am right and it means the government gets us all Bankok hookers we promise we will not ask for any more money.

Posted by: BillS at January 23, 2007 8:48 PM
Comment #204694

TheTraveler,

I was really trying to paint myself as a unprincipled political whore rather than a moderate. But if you think the moderate label fits better, why not.

BillS,

As long as your definition of “youth” doesn’t violate any federal laws…

Posted by: Woody Mena at January 23, 2007 9:00 PM
Comment #204709

Woody
Are you for everything good and against everything bad? If so you have my support.

Posted by: BillS at January 23, 2007 10:24 PM
Comment #204724

Woody,

I was really trying to paint myself as a unprincipled political whore rather than a moderate. But if you think the moderate label fits better, why not.

What everrrr…

So, Are you going to chose me for VP? I can shoot more people than that old geezer Cheney. I can be a political whore too… How much hookers and blow are we talking about?

Posted by: TheTraveler at January 23, 2007 11:25 PM
Comment #204753

BillS,

You might say that. All the good stuff: sex, drugs, and the power of prayer.

TheTraveler,

Sorry you blew it man. You are supposed to pretend that you have no interest in being vice-president. Study the work of John Edwards, and you’ll have a better shot next time.

Posted by: Woody Mena at January 24, 2007 8:03 AM
Comment #204883

Woody,

After reading about all the things you are for, and for, I suppose you will run as a Democrat.

Boy, it’s a good thing Kerry decided not to run though, or you would have some stiff competition there!!

JD

Posted by: JD at January 24, 2007 9:42 PM
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