Democrats & Liberals Archives

April First, Two Thousand and Four

In keeping with the long tradition that we always hold sacred the government officials appearing in public today will all tell the truth whenever they speak. It will be a quiet day in government circles. Those who are on both sides of the argument regarding Richard Clarke will agree that any man who worked sixteen hour days for twenty years looking for our enemies should be allowed to talk about it without merciless character assassination. The people who have learned how to make a living by working to make those opposed to their views angry will be required to wash out their mouths out with soap. This will be done under the supervision of John Ashcroft who will also supervise the mouth washing of all shock jocks and anyone else who makes their living by offending other people. There will be a soap shortage in the USA tomorrow.

Martha Stewart will admit she lied to the government if the government will stop insisting that it owns the right to compel citizens to tell the truth to it about their personal finances. The spokesperson for Martha will tell the press “the government should not have a right that no married person has ever had in a marriage”. Richard Nixon will be seen on the face of a cloud with his hands held high over his head by thousands of people in Time Square and no one will mention Watergate even once. Bill Clinton will appear in Time Square today on a shopping trip and no one will mention Monica even once. The appearance of George Bush in Time Square announced on all the TV networks and cable news shows will turn out to be a case of mistaken identity. In a related story the extraordinary appearances of Howdy Doody and Alfred E Newman together in Time Square will be verified by a former USA Today reporter who asked to remain anonymous.

In international news the leaders of the Iraqi governance council will all agree on one issue. Paul Bremer will state that they reached that agreement without any input from his office whatsoever. France will find that the thousands of transportation workers striking today did it just because it was a lovely spring day in Paris. The Francophobes in Washington DC will be caught up in an epidemic of face washing frenzy when they find out that their cologne was actually made in Cologne and not in China after all. There will be a shortage of hand-milled French soap in Washington hotels tomorrow. In Germany the workers will take the day off and work their way down the list of spring wines and Bock Beers. Tomorrow there will be a shortage of aspirin in Berlin and some workers will blame Communist remnants while others will blame the neo-Nazis. No one will blame the international drug companies.

In the Middle East Ariel Sharon will tell the Israeli people that he has had a change of heart and thinks that oppressing the Palestinian people for twenty years has had some small part in the terrorism that plagues Israel. Yasir Arafat will reply in kind and tell Ariel in a phone call that terrorism is no answer to the destruction of the Palestinian State and he will see him in court in the Hague. The Israeli and Palestinian People will open a dialogue and agree to summon up the moral courage to stop the extremists on both sides who number a small percentage of both populations. In China millions of workers serving the Chinese government in abject slavery in factories and on farms will be given a day off with pay. In India millions of starving poor people will be fed for one day on leftovers from Halliburton’s unaccounted for meals that were suddenly found. In a related story Halliburton said that all of their profits from the war in Iraq would be reinvested in Iraq. In a related story the Iraqi governance council all agreed that they would prefer it if Halliburton invested in Iran instead.

In Africa there will be a one day cessation in the destruction of lives and property that have plagued that continent since the Europeans decided to colonize it. The European Nations and the USA will agree that the diseases that plague their fellow humans there will become a priority of medical research in the developed world. In a joint announcement by the world’s oil companies the spokesperson announced an agreement that no major oil company would pay money to any dictator or genocidal tyrant ever again. They announced that the money from oil would be used to create stable representative societies in those nations who have oil so that their investments will be better protected. In Iraq the Iraqi governance council all agreed that this would be a good thing with the exception of Chabali who fled to Jordan in a fit of pique.

In the world in general an epidemic of rationality broke out and everyone agreed that governments are useful tools for getting along. Only the “Starve the Beast” crowd in the USA held out and they were too busy washing out their mouths and washing their faces to make a statement. The first truly international effort to develop outer space agreed to use a private industry approach to developing launch vehicles. The international treaty designed to keep weapons from outer space was endorsed by the Bush Administration in a reversal of the recent past. A trip to Mars was planned and the rumor that Karl Rove was actually a Martian was denied by Karen Hughes. Meanwhile back at the Ranch in Crawford Texas George W Bush admitted that there were a few things that he didn’t know when he ran for President the first time. He agreed that those differences accounted for the vast difference between his campaign promises last time and the world we find ourselves in today. God bless and keep you all safe on this April First and many more to come.

Posted by Henri Reynard at April 1, 2004 9:23 AM