Democrats & Liberals Archives

The Breast Menace (Satire)

The partial exposure of Janet Jackson’s breast at the Super Bowl has sent ripples across Washington, DC and the rest of the country as Bush administration officials struggle to cope with what is being called “the breast menace”. President Bush chose a topless beach in Miami to formally declare “war” on the problem. “We will not waver. We will not tire. We will not falter,” the President promised. “My God,” he added, “look at those things!”

Attorney General John Ashcroft used the strongest language to describe the breast threat. “What happened at the Super Bowl is nothing less than glandular terrorism. When God-fearing people watch that game, they expect to see sweaty men banging into each other and patting one another’s buttocks in a comradely manner. The don’t want to see a harlot’s repulsive bosom,” Ashcroft explained, then excused himself to go to the restroom.

Tom Ridge, the Secretary of Homeland Security, suggested that his department might introduce a color-coded system to describe the risk of female immodesty. The scale would range from Virginal White to Don’t-Even-Ask Pink. Acknowledging that it is impossible to prevent all incidents of indecent exposure, Ridge is also working to develop a system to detect and respond to incidents as soon as they occur. “We are thinking of calling it something like ‘total information tracking system’,” Ridge explained, ”but we know these programs don’t work unless you can come up with a catchy acronym.”

The newly declared “War on Breasts” may have policy implications in many areas. An inside source revealed that the Jackson incident has led the Bush Administration to reassess the threat of global warming. “It’s pretty hard to avoid the conclusion that rising temperatures are likely to lead to inadequate breast covering and, god forbid, full exposure. This has been a wake-up call. We need to act now.”

The Democratic presidential candidates have offered differing opinions on the matter. Howard Dean claimed that the anti-breast campaign is just a ploy to distract people from soaring deficits and a health care crisis. “If a woman chooses to flash her rack,” he commented, “all I can say is, yeeeaaaggggh! You didn’t record that, did you?” Joe Lieberman, who has recently left the race, offered a differing opinion, “Keeping a woman’s sweater meat safely encased is a way that we express our values, and that was what my campaign was about, values. Actually it was about being religious, but I had to use a euphemism because I’m a Democrat.” John Kerry stated that he agreed with whatever Howard Dean said.

Posted by Woody Mena at February 7, 2004 6:32 PM