December 03, 2003
Interview with God
Political Humor
In a pursuit of a story, reporters sometimes have to go to the ends of the universe. Well, this reporter has done just that. I secured an interview with The Source. Last week I had an exclusive interview with God.
TD: Hello God, uh can I call you God?
G: Of course.
TD: Thank you for your time.
G: Not at all. I would have done this interview with Dateline but they bumped me for a segment on Scott Peterson.
TD: Yikes…Uh…We should probably start then.
G: Yes, dear - go ahead.
TD: Well, God you are seen as a bit of an ogre by some of your constituents.
G: Am I really? I've always seen myself as more of a practical joker.
TD: A practical joker? Would you care to elaborate?
G: Well, the King of Rock and Roll died on the ‘throne’. I thought that was pretty much inspired. Uhm, Graves' disease is not fatal.TD: It's not?
G: Dr. Graves discovered a disease that bears his name yet is not fatal. I thought it would be funny…in a morbid type of way perhaps.
TD: Any recent practical jokes that we should be aware of?
G: Oh yes! Recently the US military needed Arabic translators - they asked for them and I provided. I sent them oh - half a dozen. But (giggle) they were all openly gay and got dishonorably discharged. Isn't that funny?
TD: More ironic I think.
G: Well my humor is more in that vein.
TD: God doesn’t like slapstick?
G: Human's created slapstick - God created irony.
TD: Yes, back to the gay issue. Doesn’t it say in the bible that homosexuality is forbidden?
G: It says a lot of things in the bible.
TD: Didn’t you write the bible?
G: Yes I wrote the bible. I've also written a billion other books, essays, articles and grocery lists. I'm a ghost writer - pardon the pun. Think of all the Greek Tragedies - Homer's Odyssey - I've done some great work. The bible is just one book - one book that only 3 people - all of whom were in jail at the time - have read from cover to cover. You’ve never read it all the way through have you?
TD: I'm assuming you know the answer to that.
G: Sorry, it's an obvious sore spot. I wrote the Koran too you know.
TD: That brings me to the next question: what do you think of all the different religions and interpretations of you?
G: Oh, I like it.
TD: You do?
G: Here's another bit of brilliance on my part. You see humans are so terribly boring. They are all basically all the same. They like sex, food and sleep - day in day out. They all have the same fears - the same instincts. They're just all little carbon copies - pardon another pun - of each other. Imagine if you will, if there was only one breed of dog on earth. Imagine 6 billion Yorkshire terriers? Wouldn’t that be dull? So, my attempt was to make it interesting. Put some color in the world. I've just never liked uniform prayer - you know - mix it up a little.
TD: Yeah, but what about Holy Wars?
G: If you think it's not funny when they meet me and I inform them that their enemy and them have the same God - oh it's a priceless gag.
TD: What about atheist?
G: Atheist? Hmm yes. Well unless they’ve been in the trenches - I don’t believe in them.
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Posted by: David R. Remer at December 4, 2003 04:48 AMBrillant piece! Funny but yet a perplexing work of art.
Posted by: Melody at December 4, 2003 01:23 PMIs that all? I want more?! But I guess God is a bit busy and can’t spend His time only doing interviews. Very good!
Posted by: huxley75 at December 5, 2003 01:44 PMYou know, my Dad once stated that in the Quran it makes mention that Allah/God/Deity or whatever sent out several different prophets across the world, each with their own views on what the ultimate being is.
That would explain similar ideals between differing peoples and one could conclude that however many gods there are, they act as one unified force. Ergo, fighting in the name of religion is rather silly.
Posted by: Adam at December 6, 2003 12:59 AMI would like to add to Adam’s point. First of all, i am inclined to agree with his dad to a degree, but that is not why fighting in the name of religion seems silly to me. Personally, I think it is silly because almost all major religions teach nonvioelence, including all major forms of Christianity (Crusaders- this means you!), Judaism, and Islam. While any of these three religions can find passages in scripture that justify wars or other violence, the main message of all of them is one of peace.
Posted by: mdon at December 6, 2003 06:45 PMIn the readings of my philosophy of religions course I found confirmation of mdon’s statement above. All the major religious seminal documents are a combination of establishing the relationship between God and humans, but, also, prescriptions for bringing order to society.
Where the texts discuss human relationship with God, the message is one of peace and passivism. Where the texts prescribe human relations with humans, they all define justice in terms of infliction of pain or loss upon offenders of societies, or God’s laws. Eye for an eye… loss of a hand for theft… etc.
But to win God’s favor and to conduct one’s life with faith to God’s highest expectation, a peaceful and compassionate (or contemplative) life is prescribed.
Posted by: David R. Remer at December 8, 2003 09:39 AM
